“Jody! You cannot write a blog about bananas!” You cry in unison!
“Watch me!” I reply.
I love bananas. I believe this love was passed down from my early ancestors. That being said, I am a banana snob…hmmm, I’d prefer to call myself a connoisseur! Which I believe means snob in french (or not).
I cannot look at a banana with even a tiny brown spot on its skin (shudders). I will spend an exorbitant amount of time in the produce section scouring bananas for blemishes, only choosing the ones that are still slightly green because they are young and fresh – less likely to be scarred by the trials and tribulations of life.
I tend to anthropomophize everything, so as I reject bunch after bunch of unworthy bananas, I always apologize to them. Just a whisper y’know (nobody in earshot needs to know I’m a crazy person), I just don’t want any banana feeling bad about itself because of me. There aren’t many things as sad as fruit with low self esteem.
I also compliment the ones that are close to perfection because I want them to know they almost made the cut. I let them know, “It’s not you, it’s me. I’m the one with issues and any normal person would find you perfectly lovely.”
It’s like a break-up – do no harm, man. Leave the relationship with everyone feeling ok about themselves and their future.
Finally after much scrutiny I find the banana bunch for me. Ahhh the bliss in finding my banana bunch soulmate. If nobody is around I will hug them, dance around a bit and sing, “Mine! Mine! MINE!”
After the joyful hug everything speeds up as these bananas are already rapidly aging and I need to get them home and begin their anti-aging regimen.
Once home, I run into the house, clutching my perfect bananas while screaming sweetly to my darling husband, “GET THE GROCERIES OUTTA THE TRUCK! I’VE GOT BANANAS!”
He snaps into action because he knows I’m insane, but loves me anyway.
I gently lay my prized beauties on the counter while cooing, “My pretty, pretty ones.” Then I separate the bunch into single bananas. I always feel a bit bad for splitting them from their family, but it’s “The Regimen” and must be adhered to quickly. Then I wrap the stems tightly with a bit of Saran Wrap like this:
Fini! “The Regimen” gives each banana a good 5 days before even the faintest brown spot appears. 5 glorious yellow days.
I lovingly tell them, “Stay fresh – eat you soon” and go back to living my life as a mostly sane person.
Yes, I did write a blog about bananas. My blog, my topics.
Well, I guess it’s time for me to make like a banana… and split.