Finding Me

FlashNano Day 24: Write a story where something is found

My Colorado writing spot

“Fuck it,” I slammed my laptop shut. “I can’t write here, it’s over. This place has drained my soul.”

Dramatic? Yes, but it felt true. It still feels true in a lot of ways.

A couple of months ago things were so different. The writing just came, almost easy… well as easy as writing can come for a person. Which in truth isn’t easy at all. But, sitting in my cabin up in the mountains of Colorado the words came. The surroundings filled my soul up to the brim and the words came out. Maybe just describing a wildflower I’d never seen before or perhaps describing a walk in the woods.

The words came. I love the sights, sounds and smells of Colorado so much. I’ve called it my soulmate and it is. It’s the only place I’ve ever felt at peace.

And then I had to leave. Life had other plans for my husband and me. Doesn’t it always? And back to Los Angeles we went. Colorado was my dream, but not my husbands. He would have stayed for me, but I left for him. I’ll always choose him.

“I won’t be able to write there. I won’t be happy there. I don’t want to BE there.” All self-fulfilling prophecies as each and every one of these things came true back in California.

How do you experience a happiness you’ve never known, a happiness that exceeded your dreams of it and then give it up? When I was happy, I used to wax poetic about “choosing happiness”. The funny thing is, it’s easy to choose it when you already feel it. But now, when my sanity, if not my life, depends on “choosing happiness” I’m struggling.

Then something came across my Facebook feed. A challenge to write 30 stories in 30 days. I figured if that doesn’t give me a kick in the pants to write, nothing would.

So, I took the plunge. It was hard at first and than it got a bit easier. I’ve found my voice again. It was always there. I didn’t leave it in Colorado. My writing will never bring me fame or fortune, but it brings me something more valuable – inner peace. The kind you carry around with you, wherever you go.

I may not be able to “choose happiness” right now, but I can choose to do things that make me happy. Writing makes me happy. Writing gives my voice wings.

I’ve found my voice and I won’t let any ‘place’ take it away.

*Thank you, Nancy Stohlman, you and this challenge helped me find my voice again. I may end up being OK afterall.