The Space Between

Happy New —- hold on. Not just yet. I’m not ready.

I can’t look forward to the new year with hope and optimism. Not just yet. Don’t get me wrong, I love fresh starts. The blank pages of a new year have always excited me. Shut the book of last year and open the fresh new book of this year.

Goodbye – Hello.

But, losing a friend on Christmas Eve has left me out of sorts, to say the least. How can I close the book of 2014, when I have to leave someone there? 2014 was the end of his story. He gets no fresh clean pages to fill with the people and things he loved most. He gets no Happy New Year.

As for me, I’m sad and angry. I can’t just walk away from last year. I want to hold my foot in the door, leave it open just a crack, in case there’s been some sort of cosmic mistake. Or maybe…perhaps there will be a miracle. I’ve never seen a miracle, I’d love to be forced into believing in them. Show me a miracle, change the course of the past and I will spend the rest of my days preaching the glory of miracles. I think I may have just Triple Dog Dared God right there. I’m sure that will go over well.

Is there anything worse than a depressed person on New Year’s day? Even I don’t want to hang out with my self right now. Sadly, I can’t seem to get away from me.

I want to end this grieving, pity party on an hopeful note. I am normally a hopeful person (honestly I am!) I will not drag myself into a new year crying and cursing the heavens.

So, here’s what I’m going to do. Here is my plan…

“Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.” ~ John Lennon

Really John Lennon, you popping in with quotes is NOT helping.

Here is my plan…

Between Goodbye           and Hello there is a space. See it? Well, I’m going to sit there a tiny bit longer. I’m going to meditate, pray, remember, get stronger and make 100% sure no miracles are being conjured up. Then, and only then, I’m going to say goodbye.

I will brush myself off, dry my tears and move forward. I will be bold and brave. I will tell stories again and laugh at the absurdities of life. I will be me again. I solemnly promise. I know my friend wants this from me. I feel him pushing me forward. I just happen to be pushing back right now. I’m stubborn like that.

But, for now, I’m just going to sit in the space between goodbye and hello a tiny bit longer… I triple dog dare you to show me a miracle.