Hey Math, It’s Not Me, It’s You!



Copyright Cyanide & Happiness

I hate math. I loathe math. I despise math. I have a malevolent detestation for the assholery of arithmetic.

Get the picture?

Ok, I didn’t always hate math, when I was a little Jody and we were first learning addition and subtraction it was fun.

9 – 4 = ? Easy! Hold up 9 fingers, make 4 lay down and the 5 left standing around is the answer! In addition and subtraction of numbers below 10, I was a veritable genius. A math whiz, if you will.

Then stuff started going wrong, horribly wrong.

Teacher: Jody, what is 18 ÷ 4?

Little Jody: ummm I have to go potty, can I have the hall pass?

Teacher: Not now. What is 18 ÷ 4? Go to the chalkboard and work it out.

Little Jody: My tummy hurts and my toes are numb, can I go see the nurse?

Teacher: Yes. Go ahead.

Little Jody wiggles her eyebrows at the class and skips off to the nurses’ office by way of the monkey bars.

That worked right through the 8th grade. What I lacked in math skills, I made up for in lying, excuses and acting. My quick thinking and storytelling skills were honed during these years. Thanks, math!

Then high school hit and the teachers got more demanding.

As for the math, it had elevated to some convoluted bullshit called Algebra.

ALGEBRA – The part of mathematics in which letters and other general symbols are used to represent numbers and quantities in formulae and equations. A system of algebra based on given axioms. Plural noun: algebras

Look! Even the dictionary is just putting a bunch of nonsensical words together in its description of Algebra. “Oh, the axiom of formulae….”. Pleaseshut up.

Anyway back to class… I might as well have been sitting in a college level Latin class on another planet. I had NO idea what any of these people were talking about. The fact that I sat in the back of the class doodling pictures of my male teacher in hoop skirted dresses had nothing to do with me not getting it! The whole math thing came to a head when, despite my hiding in the back, the teacher called on me to solve some “axiom of formulae” thingy.

Teacher: Miss Isaacs (yes, this is how he addressed us) blah blah blah blah blah blahty blah (insert some math-y shit here).

Jody: ummm I have to go potty, can I have the hall pass? (Didn’t hurt to try!)

Teacher: NO, Miss Isaacs. What is BlahblahI’mAnAssholeBlah?

Jody: I have no idea what you are saying to me right now.

Teacher: Miss Isaacs… are you stupid? (Yes, he did say this to me. In his defense, he was an older, burnt out teacher. I believe I was the straw that broke the math teachers back.)

Jody: I kinda think so.

It all ended here. He sent me to the office where they put me in “Special Math”. I found a home there for the duration of High School. These were my people. 1 period a day, for 4 years these stoners, simpletons, paste eaters, assorted troublemakers and I bucked the system and took a stand against Math.

“Power to the stupid, for we shall inherit the earth.” ~ J. Wahl


About Jody

Jody is a writer living in Los Angeles. She’s best described as a work in progress - aren’t we all?
This entry was posted in Humor, nostalgia, short story, writing and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Hey Math, It’s Not Me, It’s You!

  1. Anonymous says:

    I always get a kick out of you!! Keep up the good work!!!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I think that from now on when one of my students comes in and asks, “Why do we have to learn this shit?” which is quite often, I will see their body with a cutout of your profile picture in the place where their face should be. By the way, if I thought wearing a hoop skirt would make my job easier I might have to venture on over to the plus-size hoop skirt store.

    Liked by 1 person

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